Random Rants

I am back. So what if it is with a set of random rants. But I am. Hopefully, things would become less random after this post and we would start seeing some semblance of non randomness on this blog. Pardon me but I am reading Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy right now and the effects.. err side effects of that are visible. So, back to the rants –

1. I am running massively behind on my movies. I haven’t seen Slumdog Millionaire, Luck by chance and Dev.D yet. Heck, who am I kidding. I haven’t even seen Oye Lucky, Lucky oye as well. Yes, you heard it right. On the other hand, I have seen Rab ne bana di Jodi, Ghajini and Chandni Chowk to China and I am not proud of it. I still cant believe Ghajini is the biggest grosser of all times. The world went once (fools like me), twice and sometimes even thrice (all macho boys of Model Town) to see a forgetful ass with an 8 pack. What is the world coming to?

2. While on movies, can’t wait to watch Delhi – 6. I am sure, Abhishek will redeem himself and prove that there is some truth to genetics. ROPM after Rang de and ARR after a gazillion and one movies are already gods and don’t need to prove anything. Do have huge expectations from Sonam. Genetics again! Another crib, if I may. It should have been called Dilli-6 instead of Delhi-6. I think the effect would have been more.

3. Settling in Delhi has been not as easy as it seemed. Staying with family after living your own way for 3 years takes a bit of getting used to. Especially, the crazy house parties that we hosted. Am sure, my well used bar set and the bottles with leftovers are taking a well deserved break. Well, rest on guys. Dilli abhi door hai! I still miss Bombay sometimes – the energy of the city, the independence of life, our apartment, lazy weekends, impromptu plans, chai break and more with pals at my old office. That said, Delhi has its upsides. Quality of life is great. Driving 25 kms does not take 250 mins like Mumbai. I am not paying the GDP of Zimbabwe as my monthly rent and I do have a lot of friends here. If only we had the sea side here.

4. I wish I could sing like Shankar Mahadevan, write like Amit and play cricket like Sachin. Unfortunately, I sing like Sachin, write like Shankar and play like Amit. While we are on wishes – I wish I could fly, become invisible and cook well. Ok ok, the first two I wanted when I was five and the last one is what my wife wants. I ain’t going beyond tea and omelettes.

5. I think civility has shifted lock stock and barrel from Delhi to a more civil city. Don’t ask me where. People in Delhi cut lanes while driving, queues while queuing and cake while cutting (Sorry, couldn’t resist that). People drive on high beam, come late for meetings and sometimes don’t even turn up (and donot apologise)

6. There is this tag of “25 things about me” doing the rounds on facebook. Its bizarre but I am actually enjoying reading that note about people I barely know

7. There are about 8 unfinished blog drafts on my blogger homepage. Somehow, I start writing them with a lot of zest and midway get completely off it and leave them unfinished. I don’t have the heart to delete them, so they just sit there mocking me.

8. I have a lot of random stuff to say

9. I really want to start exercising but I am just not able to build them into my daily schedule.

10. I am lousy when it come to getting up early in the morning. I don’t like it.

11. I seem to have hit a writers block. I used to write poems (well, I am being a little generous to myself by calling them poems. They are more like Hum and Tum’s experiences, life put said out in rhyme). Haven’t done one in a while.

12. Everytime I say that I will do this – circumstances turn such that I do that and that and even that but never this. Exhibit A, B and C on this blog itself. Everytime I have ended a blog by saying that I will follow up with something – I somehow never do.

13. I am obsessed with lists and writing stuff down

14. I wish I was more confident than I am. Was discussing with Tum and she feels that I am. It does not matter if I don’t feel it from inside. As long as I appear so, it is fine. She says that the person I was referring to as super confident might also feel the same about himself. I kinda agreed with her

15. Somehow, Tum always makes sense. I should listen to her more

Thats it.

Deja vu

People are sitting around taking tea breaks every 5 mins or chatting away on the phone or reading through old study material/reports or simply doing nothing. Basically, no one is working as there is no work.

Some seats where your friends used to sit are vacant and that does not make you miss them. Rather, you think they are out trying to take away the opportunity that is yours. You hope to hit the road soon.

People are keeping their ears open for new pieces of information filtering in through the grapevine of friends and foes.

You end up charging your phone twice a day. Not because you are playing iSolitaire but because you are fielding calls from friends, relatives and Aisa vaisa bank for the personal loan you will surely need in a couple of months. Some call out of concern, some call out of curiousity. Some call to offer help while others call to take an update. Mostly, you end up giving an explanation about how you are taking it fine, make a stupid joke at which you laugh yourself and try and get off the phone asap.

Time and again, someone senior in the value chain comes in and tries to perk you up with pep talk about how the world is not coming to an end and we have more options coming up. Rhetorical questions are asked and the same are answered hypothetically. Not because they dont want to, they simply cant.

No, I am not talking about the students waiting room during the pressure cooker placement season at the coveted B-schools. Rather, this is rather the financial crisis of the century which has managed to reach India after a substantial enough number of home owners managed to NOT pay their EMI's and started the wave that took down 3 bulge bracket investment banks and threatens to claim more.

While the setting has shifted from the classroom to a swanky office - feelings of uncertainty about future, about my own self belief, about proving your self worth are the same. Optimists say - this too shall pass.

I ask - When?!

English, my mother tongue

Ingredients for this blog post

Drunk guys - 2 nos

Bench by the waterway - 1 Nos

Manhattan like skyscrapers-lit-all-over - 45 nos

"Nippy in a nice sort of way" weather - 1 tblspoon

Friday evening "no-office tommorrow" lightness of the head - 1 dollop

Before it starts sounding any more gay, let me add...

Setting flavoured with women of all shapes and sizes - To your taste

So, basically me and a friend were sitting around after office, getting drunk and discussion was veering from one thing to another. We chatted about obvious stuff like Cricket and life in London. We rambled on about arbit stuff like these skyscrapers waste so much electricity. We mulled over thoughtfully about the group of women just hanging around and who was the hottest amongst them. Heck, we even thought of approaching them but discovered that I am chicken and he is chicken little. Ofcourse, we didnt accept it. Instead, we intellectualised the crap out of it and felt like Socrates and Plato.

And then, completely out of the blue, chicken little says "You know what, my mother tongue is English. It is sad but it is true". Surprising?! Yes, coz he is a Punjabi but talks like a Pakistani. Neither of them is anywhere close to England - so, I asked - if during immigration process they stamped his tongue instead of his passport. He looked at me and gave me his "get-set-for-profundity' look. And mouthed - "english is my mother tongue as that is the only language in which I can express myself romantically. I cant say - Kamla main tumhe pyar karta hoon."

To be fair, it would sound shady. But that got me thinking. And you know what happens when a drunk guy starts thinking - aloud. (Why the eff am I spelling thinking like thingking.) Moving on.... to thinking... He might be chicken little... but he is correct. For me too, the tongue has the invisible stamp of the queen's language. Why - coz

1. I have studied English longer than Hindi. English till 12th but Hindi only till 8th. (Boards I had German. Ya I am the cool one). Before you label me as a traitor, label the marking system of Hindi as effed up. Hindi you write and write and score a measly 65. German, I was done in half an hour and scored 90.

2. I speak more English than Hindi - at the workplace, with friends (unless I am swearing ofcourse. Swearing in English just doesnt give you the kick. I mean, think about it - what sounds more spiteful - mother f or madar...

3. I once lost my Reliance cellphone. To get a new one, you have to file an FIR. I went to the police station and started writing one. It was supposed to be in Hindi. Wrote a couple of lines and then got stuck at a word. I just couldnt bloody remember how to write it. Thats when it dawned upon me - holy cow - am angootha chhap in Hindi. Anyways, a Police uncle had to show it to me. After that, he ofcourse confirmed 10 times, if I was from the adjoining campus. I felt so ashamed of myself, I came back to my room and wrote the entire Hindi alphabelt again. Ofocurse, I had to google it first!!

All the above is just to make the blog long. real reason - why English is my mothertongue - because that is the language I think in.

When did this transition happen, how did it happen - I dont know and have no real inclination to brood over it. But, I am a little sad about it. Just a little. Yes.

What am I talking about -

1. I dont understand what it really really means...

2. Its written by someone who died way before I was born..meaning its not really contemporary..

3. I am not a big fan of the author. Infact, I have not read anything else that the guy has written. This on top of the fact that the guy was a prolific, influential and well known author who wrote poems, plays, books et al.

4. Its not sung by my favorite singer. Infact, its sung by a motley group of classical singers mixed with some filmi types. Odd combination no....

5. I hear it in the oddest of place - darkened hall, 100's of unknown people around me... me in a relaxed mood and they make me specially stand up to listen to this...

You guessed it right. Its the National Anthem.

The point is despite reasons 1-5, I get goosebumps when I listen to the anthem. It makes me want to sing along - actually sing along loudly, saluting the screen alongside, doing a march past (while standing at the same place) and when it gets over - shout slogans like "Bharat Mata ki jai" and what not. But I refrain so that people around me dont think that they will be spending the next 2.5 hours sitting next to a total freakshow (what to do - I am please-everyone, dont stand out, merge in the background types) .

But I do singalong. Ofcourse, the mute button is firmly pressed. It immediately puts me in a good mood, refreshes the hell out of me and most of all makes me proud to be an Indian.

PS: Last time, I heard it - I felt all of that and more. Why - coz the movie that followed was not one of those David Dhawan types (which, by the way I enjoy) but a totally rocking Chak de. Its a must watch. For a more convincing pitch - go here. It convinced me for sure.

What defines me......

The other day, I went and watched Salman Khan and Govinda starrer Partner. Before you close the window - this post is not about the movie.

Then, same day - late night Star Movies or HBO was showing Hitch - the Will Smith starrer that Partner is a rip off of. Before you get really interested and lean forward to read, this post is not about Hitch either.

Slight digression - a friend of mine has predicted that Will Smith will be the first Black US President. I thinks its quite possible. What do you guys think? Disclaimer again - this post is not about politics either.

Okay okay - am getting to the point.

Somewhere in the movie - Eva Mendes, Will Smith love interest is narrating an incident to him about something that happened to her when she was a kid. And she says, "It kinda defines you - doesnt it". Meaning - the incident had such an impact on her that those 15 minutes shaped the person she had become.

It kinda got me thinking. I dived into the recesses of my past to look for something similar. And came up with no equally jolting, mind altering events. However, there was this small incident which in its very subtle way, altered one aspect of my personality. If you have read till this far, I am assuming you are interested - so here goes -

Once upon a time, there was this kid. Let call him Tom. He had a slight bent towards academics (credit goes to sundry temptations given by parents if he did well). He also had two friends - no prizes for guessing the names - Dick and Harpreet. Turns out - they also had a similar bent of mind. Basically, they were all maggoos (nerds) and mostly the parents were to blame. TDH had been in the same section since class first. Till Class V - end of the year class ranks were as follows -
Rank 1 - Dick or Harpreet (depending on whose parents were better at whipping their progeny's ass)
Rank 2 - Dick or Harpreet (depending on whose parents were better at whipping their progeny's ass)
Rank 3 - Tom
Bottom Line - Tom was always third.
Hidden Bottom Line - He was a satisfied third Class VI

2nd term results are out - Marks are as follows:
Rank 1 - Dick - Marks - 729
Rank 2 - Harpreet - Marks - 728
Rank 3 - Tom - Marks - 727

Tom's class teacher calls him to her room. They talk, something dawns on her, she asks Tom to call his parents for a PTA. Tom - the intelligent class Rank 3 bugger that he is - thinks she is going to praise his ass off. Goes home and arrives at the school with parents and co.

Scene - Meeting room
Teacher, Parents and co, Tom sitting around the table

Parents - (thinking - what has he done again)
Tom - (thinking - wow ...my ass is going to get praised and this is strategically the right time to ask for Media - the new video game)

Teacher - to P&Co - your son has done well again. Am sure you are really happy
P&Co - (thinking - thank god - no class fights discussion) (smiling)- Ya - he works really hard
Tom - external - nice studious smile (Internal - Media - My beloved video game - here i come yippeeee)

Teacher - But i wanted to discuss something else also.
P&Co - (thinking We knew there was something !!!!! Toooooom Grrrrr) And What is it ?!?
Tom - (thinking O shit - does she know about my crush on her - Dick, you told her, I am going to immobilize your dick - Looking to bolt)

Teacher - I looked at his past record. While he has been doing well, he has been consistently coming third in his class. And the troubling bit is - He is happy about it and totally satisfied. (Looking at Tom) Dont you want to come first Tom?
Tom - (looooong sigh of relief) - Well I want to but..... its oK (thinking what crap conversation is)

The meeting went on like that but Tom had mostly switched off. Uninterested as if this was a non issue and the teacher by calling the PTA and discussing this was jeopardising his chances of getting Media.

No, after this meeting Tom did not become the ass hole maggoo. Did not become the rat that he has probably become now. And still did not want to come first in the class.

One minor change - Year end results - Rank status -
Rank 1 - Dick (celebrating)
Rank 2 - Harpreet (celebrating)
Rank 3 - Tom (celebrating)

But this time - there was a subtle shift - somewhere inside along with the old happy feeling of coming third - there was feeling part two - slightly sad that he had not come second or even first. For me, that was the start of (no - not becoming the rat) but actually visualising and believing that I could come first.

And I did in class VII and VIII.

IX onwards I started taking active interest in the female species. A lot of FIRSTS happened there. But that is for another post.

So... what defines you?

Positioning - Ever heard about this creature.

Well if you have studied marketing, I bet Shakira's well positioned ass, you must have heard about this organism.

Basically, how you want the world to perceive you.

1. India had the positioning of being the land of snake charmers.
Now, the snake charmers have all moved to Bangalore, joined call centers and exchanged the snake with mouse.

2. The villain of famous Hindi movies - Ranjit has the clear positioning of being a rapist (in movies only, lest he decides to rape... er.. sue me)

3. Dharam paji has the positioning of being an earthy Punjabi Jat

4. The company I work for has the positioning of being a true blue Investment Bank

5. I have the clear positioning of being the laziest guy. Ask my friends, family and press walla.

Was thinking, if everyone has a clear positioning - why not my blog.

1. Why not make it the funniest blog around. But can I do it better than www.whatay.com. Sidin is way funnier than a million me's put together. So I thought, will just leave that domain for him. (as if I have a choice .. sob)

2. How about basing the blog on my life. But can I make it more colorful, eventful, lustful than eM's http://thecompulsiveconfessor.blogspot.com/ . Can I make people look forward to reading about whats happening in my life, disagree but still identify with it and go tra la la. Really dont think so. So, thats gone too....

3. How about this being a general blog with interesting bits from all over. But that property is already owned by www.indiauncut.com . First of all, I just can't match his frequency. And of course, the stuff he puts on there - too diverse but all interesting. Na bhai, humse nahin hoga.

4. What's next - movies. Hmm... I like watching movies, love talking about them, would be interested in writing about them. But again - enter Sayesha. As she herself would have said, top class hai mamu. Apna to circuit fuse.

5...

6....

Well, the list goes on. But every position trait is occupied by someone.

Suddenly, I have visions of my marketing prof waking me up from much needed sleep. Carve a niche, son. Am still confused. Lets see if some order emerges out of this chaos.

Come to think of it - while am talking about the positioning of the entire blog, the blog post itself has no positioning. Is it about positioning or am praising the guys above .. dunno.. No wonder - the name of the blog is what it is - CLEARLY CONFUSED

Atleast, I got that right. Cheers.